Dr. John Gottman, renowned researcher and author of What Makes Love Last, has spent decades studying couples in his groundbreaking “Love Lab.” His research shows that the happiest and most enduring relationships share one key behavior: partners consistently turn toward each other—both emotionally and physically. This simple act of connection lays the foundation for intimacy, trust, and lasting love.

If turning toward our partners is so powerful, why isn’t it something we all do naturally? The reality is that turning away often happens unintentionally, we are busy, distracted, or focused on ourselves. Or, it can be a way we protect ourselves when we’re overwhelmed by stress, conflicto or emotional barriers. Yet with intentionality, we can shift this dynamic and create a more loving and resilient bond.

1. Understanding Bids for connection

Every day, partners make bids for connection—small gestures that invite closeness. These bids may seem subtle or insignificant, but they carry a deeper emotional need, whether for support, attention, or comfort.

Imagine a moment after an argument. Even if the disagreement has ended, the lingering tension can feel like a wall. A bid for connection in this situation could look like reaching for a hug, offering a kind word, or suggesting an activity to break the tension. Recognizing these bids is the first step toward rebuilding connection and strengthening your relationship.

2. Notice your partner’s Bids

Bids for connection often go unnoticed, especially in the midst of busy, daily life. A comment as simple as, “Did you see that sunset?” may seem casual, but it’s often an invitation to share a moment.

Busy parents, in particular, may feel stretched thin by careers, household responsibilities, and children. While date nights and extended time together may feel out of reach, small bids throughout the day—like checking in with each other or sharing a laugh—help maintain emotional closeness.

Start paying attention. Notice the small ways your partner reaches out to you, even indirectly. Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently notice and respond to bids experience greater connection and satisfaction in their relationships.

3. Turn Toward, Not Away

Recognizing bids is just the beginning. The next step is to intentionally turn toward your partner. This doesn’t mean grand gestures or dropping everything at a moment’s notice. Often, the simplest response—a kind word, eye contact, or a warm smile—goes a long way.

For example, if your partner shares something about their day, pause what you’re doing, look up, and listen. Acknowledging and engaging in these small moments builds trust and closeness over time. Humor, touch, and affectionate gestures can also be meaningful ways to turn toward your partner.

What matters most is showing your partner that they are valued and important to you.

4. Notice When You Turn Away

There will inevitably be times when you miss a bid—whether because you’re stressed, distracted, or emotionally withdrawn. Turning away might look like dismissing a comment, retreating emotionally, or responding with irritation.

When this happens, the key is to catch yourself and make a repair. For instance, you might say, “I’m sorry I snapped at your earlier. I was feeling overwhelmed, and that wasn’t fair to you. Let’s talk now.”

If you genuinely need space, communicate this directly and with care: “I’m feeling upset right now and need some time to myself. I am going to the gym and will be back at 4pm.” Even this kind of honesty is a way to turn toward your partner, as it shows respect and prioritizes the relationship.

5. Build Your Joint Emotional Bank Account

Each time you respond positively to a bid, you’re making a deposit into what Gottman calls the “emotional bank account.” Over time, these small deposits create a sense of safety and goodwill that helps couples navigate challenges.

For example, when your partner asks how your day was, take a moment to respond thoughtfully. Extend the conversation by asking how their day went. These moments of connection, though brief, build a foundation of mutual care and understanding.

6. Reconnect After Conflict

After an argument, turning toward each other is especially meaningful. When emotions run high, even the smallest gestures—a lighthearted joke, an offer to make tea, or reaching for a hand—can serve as bids for connection. Responding to these bids with warmth and openness creates space for repair and healing.

Turning toward your partner isn’t just a skill; it’s a practice that deepens over time. It requires awareness, effort, and intention. Yet the rewards are worth it: a relationship filled with trust, warmth, and emotional safety. By noticing bids, responding with care, and making repairs when needed, you build a resilient and loving partnership that can withstand life’s inevitable challenges.