Is Infidelity a Deal Breaker?

As a general philosophy, I hold an optimistic view, and one that holds both partners in a positive light regardless of what difficulties they are facing. I also hold two important premises:

1. Adversity will arise within marriage and long term partnerships.

2. We are inherently driven to learn, grow, and evolve when faced with adversity.

Despite my optimism, there are deal breakers in relationships. You may love someone unconditionally yet the relationship is conditional. In some situations, leaving the relationship will be the healthiest choice a person can make. Those who have experienced infidelity, will likely grapple in deciding whether to stay or go.

Infidelity is a complex subject. The decision about whether or not to stay in a marriage is even more complex. When considering vows, lifestyle, children, family, finances, religion, community, social status and all the other factors involved in a decision like this, we can quickly see why this is a decision that can only be made by those going through it.

People who have been cheated on will say they feel a combination of hurt, anger, betrayal, and jealousy. The intensity can range from being moderately painful to full blown despair, rage, and grief. Many experience symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress.

Infidelity chips away at, or breaks apart entirely, the foundation of commitment, trust, respect, and life long partnership. It tests the ability to feel safe and secure within self and the relationship.

The circumstances surrounding the infidelity matter. A partner caught with no intention of ending the affair is an entirely different situation than a partner ending the affair and wanting to work hard to save the marriage. A single one night stand, that is an isolated incident, is likely to land differently than an affair that lasted months or years. Other details are important too. Multiple hidden affairs tend to be devastating to the relationship. If the person that cheated in still in contact with his/her lover, repair will be excruciatingly difficult, potentially even impossible.

Healing after infidelity is a slow and challenging process best done with the guidance of a couple therapist who specializes in couple therapy and infidelity. It is recommended that each partner attend individual therapy as well and that the partners sign consent forms so the therapists can coordinate care.

Yet there is hope.

As painful as it is, infidelity can draw both partners into a space that begs them to dive deep into the discovery of what they both need and want, as individuals and as partners.

Why did this happen?

Can we rebuild a foundation of trust, honesty and integrity?

Perhaps there are all sorts of reasons why people have affairs. But, I am going to focus on one possible reason:

Bonding and connection are missing from from the relationship.

We are wired to create a secure bond with our parter. The bond itself becomes a safe haven and a foundation from which to venture through life. Yet for many reasons, bonding is not happening in relationships. Many couples never learned how to create a secure relationships (and their relationships with their parents growing up were not safe and secure). Most people long to find safety and security with their partner and many fumble in their attempts to get it.

We need connection as much as we need food, water, and shelter. Yet connection can easily be trumped by stressful careers, financial responsibilities, multiple children, demanding schedules, and all the activities and aspects of modern family life.

Years can go by in a marriage without much laughter, touch, attention, presence, eye contact, deep conversation, vulnerable expression, intimacy, or sex. Connection tends to happen with frequency in the beginning of a relationship, and fades away over time, if couples do not prioritize it.

If the need for connection is not met within the love relationship, or in another healthy way that respects the relationship, many find connection through food, alcohol, video games, or porn.

For others, connection happens through an affair.

Am I excusing infidelity?

No.

Make no mistake, affairs are often destructive. A large portion of my clients work with me after affairs in attempt to stop the bleeding, address the trauma symptoms, and slowly find their way back to some sense of normalcy. I feel strongly that we each have personal responsibility to see and address the problems in our relationship so we can get our needs met without infidelity. We all have personal responsibility, morals, ethics, and values, that ideally, will guide us to find ways to bond and connect that are healthy and honoring of their relationship. This being said, know this is not as easy as it sounds. Many, many people are yearning for more intimacy but do not know how to get it.

In situations in which affairs have already occurred, it is normal and appropriate to be consumed with analyzing, “do I stay in this relationship or do I leave?”.

For those who want to stay together after infidelity there is hope.

For those who decide to walk away from each other after infidelity there is hope.