In relationships, the negative cycle is a recurring pattern of interaction between partners, driven by reactive behaviors that are fueled by unmet attachment needs. When couples are in the cycle, on the surface, we typically see one partner disengaging, turning emotions off, defending, or pulling away. We see the other partner pursuing engagement, expressing high emotion, criticizing, and demanding.

If you are bogged down with fights, tension, coldness or general sense of dissatisfaction in your relationship it can be hard to see the light. This is particularly true if you have already tried couples therapy and things are not better.

This is a very hard spot to be in. You might be feeling hopeless and stuck. Although we recommend couples therapy for distressed relationships, I want to give you reassurance that change is still possible. Keep reading to learn more.

The negative cycle is a term used by EFT couples therapists to describe a disconnecting (and distressing) pattern of interaction that arises between partners. This cycle is driven by blocked or big emotions and unmet attachment needs. It is also influenced by nervous system responses, that serve a very important function, but are not effective in this context. 

Anxiety. We have all felt it. It can show up as body tension, nervousness, a pit in the stomach, or a racing heart. Kids and teens get anxiety too, but they may not know it is anxiety, and you may not notice it.

Back when I was parenting my three children at the ages 1, 3, and 5, I had the very best intentions and loved them deeply. Yet day after day, I found myself melting down with their tantrums, feeling frazzled with sibling fights, and white knuckling transitions (from dinner to bath, school to home, and park to car). I tried with all my might to do parenting well. Yet I was struggling.

Sometimes children act out in maddening ways. They tantrum, fight with siblings, or refuse to cooperate. When these kinds of behaviors happen in homes with frequency, many well-intended parents think that the remedy is punishment. We live in a culture that, generally speaking, tells us the way to change behavior is to reward "good" behavior and punish "bad" behavior. Yet, if you are anything like the hundreds parents I have worked with over the years, you may find that punishment does not help. You may also wonder, "if I am not going to reward or punish, what am I supposed to do?".

After the birth of the first baby, 67 percent of couples see their relationship satisfaction plummet, according to research by John Gottman, PhD. The arrival of the first newborn throws most parents into a total life change overnight. Many couples, used to life of flexibility and autonomy, have a difficult time adjusting to the demands of a newborn, despite the fact that they love their new child.

Let me start by saying, I love my kids deeply and I love being a mother. Yet those early years of parenting babies, toddlers, and kindergarteners were hard! My baby would wake me at the crack of dawn. This was followed by a brief moment of cuddles and coffee. Then came a swirl of breakfast, diapers, dressing, car seats, strollers, school drop off, cleaning, laundry, playdates, lunch, naps, more diapers, karate, soccer, dance, gymnastics, homework, dinner, show, bath, teeth, jammies, bedtime stories, and finally, sleep.

Some parenting moments can be intense. Big tantrums, sibling fights, or child outbursts can trigger us. Sometimes we can take a deep breath, use our tools, and get through these moments with grace. Yet other times we lose it right along with our kids. When we become emotionally dysregulated, we cannot access our logic, perspective taking, compassion, and empathy making it almost impossible to connect with our children. We may move into a state of fight, flight, or freeze, and if we do, it will be very hard to stay grounded during difficult times.

Most parents don't want to yell at their kids. Yet, it can happen. Being a conscious parent takes a considerable amount of self-discipline in developing awareness. Despite hectic and busy lives there are ways to enhance your state of well-being and become more responsive. It will take time and it will not happen overnight. But I promise, with some slight changes, you can experience less reactivity and more peace. Read on!

I was teaching a Joy of Parenting course to a smart and well-educated group of parents. When I asked the group to introduce themselves, I requested that they briefly share two things, 1. what is going well in parenting and, 2. what is difficult about parenting. One by one, names and difficulties were offered with enthusiasm and ease. Yet almost every parent had a hard time recalling and sharing about what was going well.

Sometimes everything is as good as it gets. Everyone in the family is rested, balanced, cooperative, and home life feels good. Then we go through periods where the kids struggle, life is rushed, and parenting feels hard. Let's face it, when we have little kids are home, family life can be unpredictable. One minute its all smiles and laughter and the next minute its tears and meltdowns. ​

Parenting is one of the most challenging endeavors we take on as humans. Being responsible for the survival of our young is no easy task. Beyond this, most parents aim to see their children go far beyond just survival. We want our children to thrive. It is easy to get distracted by all the parenting approaches out there that promise well-behaved and happy kids. Yet, as a therapist that specializes in working with parents, couples, and families, I can assure you that creating strong family relationships is the best parenting approach I know of. ​

Dr. John Gottman is a well know relationship expert that has conducted extensive research on what the happiest and healthiest couples do to create lasting love relationships. In his book, "What Makes Love Last", Gottman teaches a concept known as turning towards each other. Taking on a general mindset of turning towards your partner or spouse can increase connection and reduce conflict.

Recently I was chatting with some friends about various aspects of life. These are brilliant and loving women who are doing incredible things with their lives. Yet as we talked, what emerged was a strikingly simple theme: something was missing. We talked about how we wanted thriving careers, joyful families, passionate love lives, and great health. Simply put, we want it all. Yet, not a single one of us felt we had it all. ​

Generally speaking, when my kids were young, they were well-behaved. Yet, they were kids! They had their moments of whining, fighting, and tantruming. In my attempt to be a great parent, I learned all I could on how to nip these behaviors in the bud. Back then, sugar-coated punishments and rewards were all the rage. I implemented sticker charts, point systems, planned ignoring, praise, removal of privileges, and time-outs. ​

What does great parenting look like? Many would say that great parenting involves guidance, structure, and expectations along with love, affection, and warmth. If this concept is explored more deeply, many would also say that great parenting parents leads children to become confident, self-sufficient, kind, self-actualized, and well-adjusted. And depending on the values you may have many other attributes that you would add to this list. Although opinions on what parents want for their kids will differ, hopefully we can all agree that, the way we parent matters.

What exactly does trust mean? Does it mean that you know your partner won’t cheat on you? Or that you believe your partner will always tell the truth. Well, yes, it encompasses these examples, but true trust entails far more than this. True trust means that you know that your partner will be there for you. If the level of trust in your relationship is lower than you would like, read on for some trust building tips. ​

During the very early years of parenting, I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. I chose to stay home with my children. Although it was not easy, I appreciated the time we had for bonding. For many years, parenting was my sole purpose in life. Despite all the sleepless nights, feedings, diapers, tantrums, and afternoon marathons, parenting provided fulfillment that carried deep meaning for me. ​