Growing Apart

“I don’t know who you are anymore”.

“You are not the person I married”.

”How did we become so different?”.

These are statements I hear very often from those that may be experiencing relationship distress both inside and outside the therapy room. This can be such a scary and hopeless place to be with our partners. Of course, most of us can quickly understand and accept that change is inevitable as we move through life experiences. However, it can be very difficult to feel the effects of “changing apart” from our partner over time instead of “changing together”.

With all of life’s stressors and distractions, it can often be easy to find ourselves partnered with a “stranger” we don’t recognize years down the line. This can cause major breakdowns in communication, deep disconnection and real lack of fulfillment in our relationships. As overwhelming as this experience can be, there are strategies to address and work towards reconnecting within yourself and with your partner, to set the stage to start “changing together”.

Explore Each Other’s “Love Maps”

Developed by renowned couples therapy researchers/psychologists John and Julie Gottman, “love maps” represent our partner’s inner world of values, fears, hopes and dreams. Prioritizing time to learn more about our partner’s “love maps” through asking curious questions, around these topics, such as “What are your partner’s hobbies?” or “What stresses your partner right now?” or “What does your partner dream about doing” can support re-connecting and re-building a strong foundation of friendships and intimacy. (Gottman, 2000).

Quality Time

Making efforts to increase quality time is difficult for many people . However, despite the difficulty (and maybe even initial awkwardness) that comes with this, it is imperative for disconnected couples to take efforts to increase this. Protecting quality time allows couples to be curious, such as through exploring each other’s “love maps” as mentioned above, as well as creating new experiences with each other. Building new memories can help re-kindle romance, a stronger sense of friendship, and hope for building more positive experiences with each other.

Support from a Therapist

In addition to the strategies above, many couples find couple or individual therapy very helpful during this time of “growing apart” and disconnection. Gaining tools and guidance regarding effective communication, understanding of needs and emotions, and shifting relational cycles can be of great support when many couples feel hopeless and alone as they have “grown apart” from each other. Therapy can provide increased support in transforming the difficult experience of ““I don’t know who you are anymore”... “You are not the person I married”...”How did we become so different?” into an opportunity for increased connection and satisfaction in couples’ relationships.

If this experience resonates with you, and you are interested in gaining additional support from a therapist to “grow together” with your partner, reach out to us. We would love to help you and your partner reconnect.

Works Cited

Gottman, J. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion.