Great Parenting Starts With You
Generally speaking, when my kids were young, they were well-behaved. Yet, they were kids and had their moments. In my attempt to be a great parent, I learned all I could on how to nip troubling behaviors in the bud. Back then, sugar-coated punishments and rewards were all the rage. I implemented sticker charts, point systems, planned ignoring, praise, removal of privileges, and time-outs.
None of it worked.
When I sought out parenting advice from well-meaning advisors, they suggested that I was not being consistent, firm enough, or that I was applying the strategies incorrectly. A year of so later of consistency, firmness, and fine tuning my strategy, I noticed their behavior was not improving. In fact things were getting worse. I had become the behavior police and my connection with my kids was fading.
Today, advances in neuroscience and attachment research are helping us understand why punishment may not the most effective approach to addressing challenging child behavior. It can work in the short run but can create more behavior challenges in the long run. The act of inflicting pain upon your child is not the best way to teach pro-social behavior.
Yes, I know that most adults today were raised on punishment. But as a therapist focused on working with parents, children, and families, and one that holds space for the pain and suffering that commonly occurs within parent-child relationships, I assure you there is a another way.
Effective parenting begins with ensuring that children feel safe in their home and in the arms of their parents. Yet basic safety is missing in a lot of parent-child relationship. Behaviors like yelling, grabbing, spanking, forcing, scolding, isolating, and shaming have been passed down from parent to child, generation after generation. These parenting behaviors erode a child's sense of safety.
Years ago I was assisting at a personal development course where a dad was sharing about the mistreatment he received as a child. At the same time, he found himself mistreating his own children. His intentions were good. He believed that his child needed discipline and the only tools the dad had were sticks and carrots. His heart was in the right place but his child was pulling further away.
One of the course assistants, kindly, firmly and compassionately, looked into this father’s eyes and proclaimed, “It stops with you”.
The assistant was not speaking to me, yet I took his words to heart. If the old-school way of parenting way stops with me, the new way starts with me too. I vowed to raise my children in environments free of harshness, punitive discipline, and punishment. I also dedicated myself to teaching other parents how to address challenging kid behavior in an emotionally safe and responsive manner.
Many parents repeat the actions of their own parents. Even if they set out to do things differently, when triggered, they speak the words or act out the actions of the parenting they received when they were kids. Most parents have had times of overwhelm where they yell, scold and the like. We are humans, we have our limits, and sometimes we are pushed beyond our ability to keep our cool. I have my moments too. I am not suggesting perfection. I am suggesting that our generation of parents live by the mantra of “do no harm”.
I know it can be challenging to refrain from exhibiting harsh behavior when our kids act in maddening ways. Yet, being able to master responsive parenting will lead to pro-social behavior in our children. Meaning, that when we are able to be emotionally regulated (and consequently well behaved) our children can learn to be emotionally regulated (and well behaved) too.
It starts with me. It starts with you. Its starts with our generations of parents.
Hi, I am Cristina Trette. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Integrative Family Therapy. I help others improve their most important relationships. If you have any comments or questions, please let me know in the comments box below.
