Do You Trust Your Partner?
When we talk about trust in relationships, what do we actually mean? Is it about believing your partner means what they say? That they have integrity and speak the truth? That they will honor your agreements surrounding commitments and fidelity? I think most people would agree that trust encompasses these elements.
Note: This blog is referring to trust in relationships that have a base of safety and security. If you are in a situation in which there has been significant betrayal, that has not been fully processed or healed, what I write about in this blog may not apply to you until you reach later stages of recovery.
I want to suggest that authentic trust creates space and give us the freedom to be fully ourselves with one another. One of my favorite definitions of trust comes from John Gottman:
"Trust refers to each partner knowing that the other partner will be there for them in a host of ways: when they are sad, angry, frightened, humiliated, overweight, underweight, triumphant, defeated, joyous, despairing, sick, broken, helpless, hopeful, dream filled, and so on. Trust is erected by each individual choosing to show up for the other — not perfectly, not every time, but as much as one can."
Trust is a vital aspect of the foundation of every meaningful, long-term relationship. If trust feels unsteady in your romantic relationship, it will be important to strengthen it. This may not be easy and it may take time, but it will be worth the effort. Below are eight ideas to help you build trust. You may want to write in your journal and reflect as you read.
Focus On Yourself
It only takes one person to begin shifting your dynamic. That person can be you. Instead of focusing only on what your partner has done to weaken trust, take time to look at your own role. Where have you contributed to the insecurity, distance or disconnection? What would it mean to take responsibility for how you show up now? Taking ownership of what you can control -your thoughts, processing your emotions, words, and actions - allows you to become an active part of the solution.
Measure Your Trust
On a scale from one to ten, how much trust do you currently feel in your relationship? Your answer may change depending on the situation. Maybe it is an eight most of the time, but it drops to a four when your partner travels with a colleague you feel uncomfortable about. Or maybe it rises to a ten after a connected weekend together. Begin to notice when trust rises and falls and what situations help you feel more secure, and which ones lead you to feel insecure.
Do More Of What Builds Trust
What experiences help you feel more trusting and trustworthy? It could be a vulnerable conversation, laughing together, spending quality time without distractions, a romantic evening, or doing something novel and adventurous together. These are moments that build trust. Take the lead on creating more experiences like this with your partner.
Speak Up With Care and Respect
If your partner is frequently engaging in behaviors that feel hurtful or erode trust, do not stay silent. For example, if your partner frequently flirts with other people, arrives home late often, or does not follow through on promises, it is important that you discuss this openly and respectfully. Speak up with care and clarity. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and concerns. For example, instead of accusing, “How can I trust you when you are always flirting with other women?” try, “When I see you flirting with other women, I feel uneasy. I would like to talk about this.” Or, “I am having a hard time trusting that I can count on you to follow through with our plans. Can we talk about how to work through this?” Honest conversations, that maintain mutual dignity, can help rebuild trust.
Do the Inner Work
If you find it hard to trust, even when your partner appears to be showing up with integrity, that may be a sign that you have healing work to do. If you have a history that is saturated with lies, secrets, infidelity, or betrayal, it would make sense that you are struggling with trust in your current romantic relationship. It can be tremendously helpful to process these experiences with a therapist, ideally in couples therapy. When we bring healing to our past we are more likely feel safe, secure, and trusting in the present.
You Will Feel Uncertain At Times
Every relationship includes moments of doubt, hurt, insecurity, or anxiety. This is a natural part of loving another person. What matters is what you do during these shaky moments. Do you shut down, withdraw, or lash out? If you and your partner can be present with each other during painful moments, and respond with empathy, these moments can actually deepen your connection and trust. If you find that you feel anxious about your partner or relationship most of the time, this may be a sign that additional support would be helpful.
Check In With Your Partner
Consider asking your partner if you ever act in ways that make it difficult for them to trust you. This is a conversation many couples do not think to have. If you choose to have this conversation, make sure you are both in a connected and grounded space. Respond to each other with openness and respect.
Accept That Trust Takes Time
True trust takes time. It is not something that appears overnight or stays solid without effort. It is built slowly, through consistent actions, honest conversations, accountability, and the willingness to keep showing up for each other. Every moment you choose to be present, to repair after conflict, or to share something vulnerable, you are adding to the foundation of trust.
If you want to learn more about trust in relationships, I highly recommend reading the work of John Gottman. Much of the guidance here is based on his research. Trust is not something you either have or do not have, it is something you build, moment by moment, through the way you choose to show up.
