Signs Your Child Or Teen May Have Anxiety
Anxiety. We have all felt it. It can show up as body tension, nervousness, a pit in the stomach, or a racing heart. Kids and teens get anxiety too. Yet they may not know that what they are experiencing is anxiety, and parents may not notice it.
All kids have anxiety from time to time. Your child may experience anxiety if they are overscheduled, before a big test, or when they do a speaking presentation at school. Some anxiety is normal and can be even be helpful. Small amounts of anxiety can alert your child to focus, pay attention to their surroundings, and get prepared.
Yet some kids and teens have anxiety that is intense, frequent, chronic, and increases over time. Those with anxiety disorders, experience psychological, physiological and physical symptoms that can interfere with relationships and personal wellbeing at home, school, sports, or with friends.
Anxiety can be highly distressing. Symptoms may include tightness in the chest, shortness of breath, lightheadedness, or fuzzy thinking. It can trigger sweating, shaking or freezing. When anxiety is high, it can seem as if something catastrophic is about to happen.
For those with untreated anxiety disorders, symptoms can become so unbearable that many kids will attempt to avoid the people and situations that might make them anxious. Although avoidance provides temporary relief, it leads to an increase in anxiety symptoms over time. So the anxiety become stronger and more disruptive to their life as time goes on. Unless your child or teen has been taught effective strategies for managing anxiety, they may attempt to cope in ways that make things worse.
The tricky thing about anxiety in kids and teens is that it can go unnoticed for many years. The younger the child, the less likely they will verbally articulate what they are experiencing. Anxious kids can be quiet and well-mannered, so no one notices the discomfort they feel. Other times, they may have big behaviors that are driven by anxiety, but parents don’t link these behaviors to anxiety.
It is my hope that this article helps parents see some of the common signs of anxiety disorders in kids and teens so they can get their child the support they need.
They are frequently irritable, angry, or have meltdowns.
Kids with anxiety have to work extremely hard at keeping it all together. They can be a moderate state of fight or flight throughout their day and not sleeping well at night. All of this can lead to an increase in irritability, angry outbursts, or long meltdowns. Many kids with anxiety are exceptionally well mannered when they are at school, sports or doing other activities. Yet when they come home, they unload all the pent up emotions.
They aim for perfection.
Anxious kids and teens can be incredibly high performing. Younger children may follow all the rules and do what they are told. As they get older they may say yes to all requests and excel in school, sports, or other endeavors. Teens may fill up their calendar with endless activities.
Clearly there is nothing wrong with having a wide variety of passions and pursuits! Yet being extremely busy can be a way to distract oneself from anxiety. If you notice perfectionism or a sense that your child needs things to be just right, this can be a sign of anxiety. If their busy-ness is driven by an attempt to avoid anxiety, over time, it will take a toll on their health and wellbeing. Since they are overscheduled, and their standards are high, they will eventually come to a place where they have too much to do, cannot get it all done, or cannot meet their own standards. This can lead to a vicious cycle where anxiety symptoms get higher and higher.
They struggle with tests or public speaking.
Anxious kids are often great students. Yet if they experience test anxiety or anxiety that comes with public speaking, they can have times where their anxiety gets so high that their mind goes blank, they freeze, or they become troubled by physical symptoms (racing heart, sweaty palms, or nauseous). Anxiety symptoms can interfere with their academic performance.
They frequently refuse to go to school (or attempt to).
Young kids may hide in the closet on school mornings. Or they may have a huge meltdowns every day at drop off. Teens may refuse to go. If this kind of behavior happens once or twice it may be nothing to worry about. Yet if they refuse (or try to refuse) to go school most days over a period of weeks or months, it is time to check in.
They regularly avoid activities, socializing, events and outings.
Young kids may cry or resist going to practice, camps, or play dates. Or they will attempt to get you to stay with them the entire time. Teens may stop accepting invites to hang out with friends or may stop doing sports or other activities that they once enjoyed. If you plan an outing or some other activity outside of the home, they will try to get out of it. If this happens on occasion, this is typical. We all have times that we do not want to socialize or go out.
Yet if your child has no interest in any activities, or they have interest but won’t follow through with plans, or if you can barely get them out of the house, these may be signs of anxiety.
They frequently complain of stomachaches, nausea, or headaches.
If your child has frequent and chronic ailments that cannot be explained otherwise, this can be a sign of anxiety. Do you see any patterns? Does your child get a headache anytime a test or presentation is happening at school? Does your child feel nauseous or get a stomach ache before social outings or events? Does your child say they are too tired to go to their friend’s house? Does your child start to feel better shortly upon being able to stay home?
If this sounds like your child it is incredibly important to not conclude that they are manipulating you. Anxiety can trigger physical symptoms in the body. Once your child starts learning how to manage their anxiety, the physical symptoms will decrease.
They aim for perfection.
Anxious kids and teens can be incredibly high performing. They may follow all the rules and do what they are told. As they get older they may say yes to all the things, get straight As, and be high achieving in sports, the arts or other endeavors. What is wrong with this you might wonder? Nothing necessarily. Yet if the perfectionism is driven by anxiety, over time, it can take a toll on your child’s health and wellbeing.
They struggle with flexibility.
Younger children may meltdown when their routine gets thwarted. Or they may object when you serve pancakes in a heart shape, just for fun. Older children may panic when you are running five minutes late. Teens may become overwhelmed if you switch plans on them last minute.
Kids with high anxiety generally find that explanations, schedules, routines, and rules provide them with a sense of control and predictability (whereas anxiety can lead to feeling out of control). Knowing what to expect, and be able to rely on what is to come, lowers their anxiety. When life throws them curve balls, their anxiety symptoms can shoot through the roof.
They struggle with sleep.
Lots of kids and teens with anxiety can do fairly well during the school day because they are busy, distracted, and adhering to social norms. Yet the moment the lights go out and they attempt to fall asleep, they can become flooded with thoughts or fears that won’t go away. It can be easy to overlook the genuine fear and discomfort that anxious kids experience at bedtime.
Younger kids may cry or meltdown at bedtime or come into your room throughout the night. Older kids may lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to disengage from their thoughts. If your child has difficulties going to sleep, spend some time talking to them about what it is they are experiencing. If anxiety is interfering with your child’s sleep, they need tools and support.
They are terrified to separate from you.
It is typical for some children to experience separation anxiety from time to time. It is common for kids to struggle when separating from their parents when they start at a new school or sometimes when they are at a new friend’s house, sleepover, and summer camp. Most kids quickly get passed their separation anxiety as they adjust to the new environment. Some kids, however, don’t adjust. They may end up having to separate but the entire time they are apart they struggle with anxious thoughts, often fueled by fear that something may happen to their parent, or themselves, when they are away.
They tell you they are scared, worried, nervous or anxious.
If your child talks to you about their fears and worries, listen to them. Kids do not typically make fears up nor do they pretend that they are scared when they are not. Sometimes their fears may sound silly or irrational to you. Yet even irrational fears can trigger real symptoms and high distress. Your child cannot control the thoughts that arise inside their head or the fears they have. Yet they can learn how to work with their thoughts and fears, which will lower their distress.
Be there for your child.
If you are seeing some of these signs in your child, a great starting point is to talk with your child to learn more about what they are going through. Start the conversation from a space of acceptance. Tell them, without judgement or criticism, some of the things you are noticing. Ask them how they feel and what they experience. Get curious about their thoughts, emotions, and physiological symptoms. Listen closely to what they say and believe what they are telling you. Help them feel safe to talk about any fears or concerns they have.
If you think your child may need more support, schedule an appointment with their pediatrician. You can also schedule with a child therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. Also, you may want to check in with your child’s teachers or the school counselor to see what they are noticing at school.
At Integrative Family Therapy we have child and teen therapists that can help your child learn how to manage and cope with anxiety. The skills children and teens learn in therapy can assist them throughout their life. The earlier kids get support for anxiety, the more likely they will be able to keep the symptoms at bay and thrive. To learn more about the therapists at our practice, visit our website here.
