Do you find yourself in the same fight over and over again?

The negative cycle is a term used by EFT couples therapists to describe a disconnecting (and distressing) pattern of interaction that arises between partners. This cycle is driven by blocked or big emotions and unmet attachment needs. It is also influenced by nervous system responses, that serve a very important function, but are not effective in this context. 

The negative cycle develops slowly, over a period of months or years, often below our level of awareness. As time goes on it becomes more intense, rigid and predictable. The cycle is progressive and is likely to lead to increased relationship distress until it is compassionately seen, owned, dismantled and transformed, often with the help of a therapist.

When couples are caught in the negative cycle, things are bleak. If I was a fly on the wall during one of these cycles I would see partners fighting or shutting down. I might see each partner tossing back and forth criticism, contempt, judgment, blame, raised voices, dismissiveness, defensiveness, coldness, refusal to talk, avoidance, or walking away. 

Cycles can rage through like a hurricane and knock the couple around. Or they can sneak in quiet and stealth, robbing the couple of love and intimacy. When the cycle is present it is common for people to think harsh things about themselves, their partner, and the state of their relationship. 

You might be wondering if you have a negative cycle.

If you are in a long term love relationship you probably do. I have been doing cycle work for years and I have a negative cycle. The difference between where I sit now and where I was many years ago is that I know what my cycle is and I have agency over it. It may show up from time to time, yet I rarely get stuck in it for too long. Most importantly, I know how to repair after the cycle. 

So now that we have established that you likely have a negative cycle, let’s see if we can help you begin to discover it.

The first step is to reflect on your relationship and see if your fights seem to have a pattern to them. Maybe the topic or content of the fight changes. Yet you find yourself acting and feeling a very familiar way. Now think back to one particular time that things veered off course with your partner. Maybe you got into an argument. Or perhaps you really wanted connection but felt shut out. Choose one example to work with that remains unresolved. Once you have the scene up in your mind, with honesty and self-compassion, see if you can move through the following process.

What did you say and do?

What did you do or say, or not say or do, that contributed to the breakdown in your relationship? Most of what we see includes criticism, demanding, nagging, poking, accusing, scolding, yelling, being dismissive, staying highly logical, deflecting, refusing to talk, walking away or shutting down. We do these things to protect ourselves. Yet they create more disconnection and do not help us get what we want.

What were you feeling?

What emotion did you show? What emotions did you hide? Many times we show our anger or frustration and cover up, numb, hide, block or push away sadness, fear and hurt.

What was happening in your body?

What were you feeling in your body? Did you have tightness in your chest or stomach? Did your heart start racing, did you clench your jaw or fists? Did you get hot?

What were you protecting yourself from?

Often we do not want to feel hurt, sad, scared, shame or alone.

What did you want?

What did you you want that you could not ask for or easily talk about? What do you long for in this relationship? Often when we drop down to this place, most people say they want to be heard, valued, loved, connected with, prioritized, touched, and accepted. They want to know that they matter to their partner, they want to be there for their partner and want their partner to be there for them.

Cultivate empathy and compassion for your partner.

From a space of empathy and compassion what do you think was happening for your partner? What do you think they were feeling? How were they trying to protect themselves? How did what you said and did influence what they said and did? What do you think they wanted?

Identify the pattern. 

Can you identify a pattern? Most people discover that they have a fairly predictable pattern. The topic, content and situation may be different each time. Yet their interactions and internal states tend to be quite similar. The more this cycle happens over time the more disconnection and distress they feel. This pattern is what EFT therapists refer to as the cycle. On the surface we see behaviors. Below the behaviors are emotions and unmet attachment needs. It is in this deeper space that the potential for change lies.

Imagine doing it differently.

What would it look like for you to approach this exact same scenario again from a space of compassion and emotional responsiveness? Can you see yourself doing something different next time that may make things better (or at least won’t make things worse)? Close your eyes and see if you can have a re-do in your mind. What could you have said or done that could have slowed down the reactivity? What might you say or do that will likely to promote soothing and connection?

Take action.

Start by working on yourself, the way you approach your inner world and how you interact with your partner. Since couples are a system, one person can influence the system and create positive change. This may mean asking clearly for what you need or what, pausing or slowing down a conversation that is getting heated, or repairing after things go off course. Consider asking your partner to join you in working on this.

If you want to learn more, we are available to guide you through the process of seeing and shifting your cycle. You have the ability to create new patterns and cultivate a relationship that is uplifting and good for you and your partner. We would love to show you how.