How To Experience More Joy as a Parent
Let me start by saying, I love my kids deeply and I love being a mother. Yet those early years of parenting babies, toddlers, and kindergarteners were hard! My baby would wake me at the crack of dawn. This was followed by a brief moment of cuddles and coffee. Then came a swirl of breakfast, diapers, dressing, car seats, strollers, school drop off, cleaning, laundry, playdates, lunch, naps, more diapers, karate, soccer, dance, gymnastics, homework, dinner, show, bath, teeth, jammies, bedtime stories, and finally, sleep.
When my kids were ages 1, 3, and 5, as grateful as I was to be with them, my days were marathons. I was worn out. I felt stuck. I knew something to change but I did not know what it was. Although my kids were certainly bundles of joy, I was tired.
Friends of mine had been raving about Susie Walton and her parenting classes. It had been on my list of things to do for a couple of years, but the timing had never worked out. Finally, I was able to attend one of Susie's courses that was being held at my kid's school.
Susie's courses were not the typical parenting courses that focused on child behavior. Rather, Susie guided us to take care of ourselves, to understanding our emotional experience, to get curious about our children's emotions, and to nurture the parent-child relationship.
Susie answered my questions about sibling fights, whining and chore refusal. Yet rather than prescribe a system of rewards and consequences, she probed me to explore what I was feeling when my kids fought. She guided me to notice what was happening in my body when my child whined or refused to help. She explained the importance of repairing my relationships with my kids if I yelled at them. She encouraged me to go on dates with my husband and took my lack of self-care very seriously.
I hung on to her every word.
Her teachings resonated with me so much that I attended more classes with her. Eventually I completed her instructor training and went back for additional trainings so I could learn as much as possible. I started holding parenting groups and classes in my home. The more I taught, the better I felt. Over time I experienced more and more joy as a parent and as a human. What follows are some of the changes I made when I shifted my focus away from behaviors and towards relationships and wellbeing.
1. I sought out opportunities for quiet
We are raising children in a world that is increasingly fast paced. Many parents are stuck in a constant state of rushing and overwhelm. I was one of them (and still have this tendency). To get back to joy, I recommitted to the practices of mindfulness and yoga. Most importantly I began to make self-care apart of my day and taught my kids to see that I need breaks too. I dropped a lot of tasks and child activities. Simply put, I made our lives slower, steadier, and simpler.
2. I stopped complaining
Our brains are primed to pay attention to the negative aspects of our life while tuning out the positive. This is a survival mechanism. If most of our day is uneventful, content, or even blissful we must be ready to take action if under threat. Our brains are constantly scanning for danger, and we are highly likely to focus on the threats and negatives events around us. This is normal and we can teach ourselves to spend more time noticing the good aspects of our life.
At some point in the course of my life, I developed the habit of complaining. I had to work hard at ending this. Every time I noticed myself wanting to complain, or even if I started to complain, I would switch gears and stop talking or change my words so that they would not be a complaint.
it is important to note that there is a difference between complaining and reaching for someone for support and comfort. In fact, if we complain a lot, this can be a sign that we really do need someone to talk to. Reaching out to friends and family for guidance and support is not the same thing as complaining. I am a therapist, but like all great therapists, I have my own therapist. I cannot imagine going through all of the ups and downs of parenting without my therapist!
3. I practice small acts of kindness
Small acts of kindness do something powerful for our psyches. My kids are older now and they really appreciate it when I do something unexpectedly kind for them. Sometimes I text my daughter an authentic compliment. Other times I place a nice letter on my son’s pillow thanking him for a way he has contributed recently. Occasionally I pick flowers from the garden and put in a vase in my daughter's room. Randomly I will sneak off with my partners car and fill it with gas. Other lovely ways to be kind are to buy a friend a cup of coffee or bring a dozen bagels to the teacher’s lounge at your kid’s school. Kindness is contagious.
4. I started journaling about the good stuff
Many people keep a journal as a space where they can express their negative thoughts and feelings. This is valuable as it gets the thoughts out of your mind and onto paper, making it less likely that you will hold it all inside. I also suggest that you also write down what is going well. Create space for writing down thoughts, dreams, goals, and actions that make you feel good. Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, refers to these journals as Blessings Journal. You can learn more about research and practices of positive psychology at www.authentichappiness.com.
5. I made it a point to talk about what went well with my kids
One positive psychology tool is the “What-Went-Well” exercise. This practice involves taking the time to reflect on three positive aspects of our day. Seligman suggests that the practice of writing in a journal or vocalizing three experiences from the day that went well and why. This exercise has been clinically demonstrated to reduce symptoms of depression. Examples can be simple as my partner surprised us all with our favorite treat when he came home from work, or I slept a full 9 hours the night before. This exercise is a great way to kick off family dinners.
6. I became habitually grateful
There are many ways to focus on gratitude. Some tape a gratitude list to their bathroom mirror. Others find that silently extending appreciation works best for them. In my family we like to start family dinners with everyone taking a turn to say what they are grateful for and why. My partner and also enjoy gratitude walks. As we walk we take turns saying out loud what we appreciate.
7. I became comfortable with my mistakes
No one is perfect. Acknowledge and accept that mistakes are a part of the human experience. If you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself what you learned from the experience. Teach your children to look for the purpose in mistakes too. Encourage your child to see mistakes or perceived failures as learning opportunities. There is a fantastic children's book called "Beautiful Oops" that helps kids see that everything mistake is an opportunity to create something beautiful.
8. I caught myself when I wanted to blame others
Although our children and partner will influence our emotional state, the decisions we make, and situations that unfold, blaming them for the difficulties we face will never create change. I had to stop blaming other people and situations for my unhappiness. I began to acknowledge that I was at choice in how I would respond to all situations and that I had the ability to make requests or ask for what I want. Even though some of my reactions are still automatic, I have learned that through personal and relationship growth work, I can respond differently.
If you are stuck in a rut, hate your job, your marriage is failing, want better health, or you are overwhelmed with parenting, or want better health - commit to making one small change you know will bring you more joy. One step forward can create energy and empowerment and move you toward living a life of purpose and meaning.
9. I made space for my uncomfortable feelings
Having more joy does not mean that we want to deny, avoid, or suppress uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, hurt, anger, or fear. On a daily basis I will feel a range of emotions and my work is to accept and tolerate this. As soon as I stopped try to push away the uncomfortable feelings, I realized that these feelings actually had a lot of wisdom and information to share. Feelings are just feelings. All of us will feel emotions at varying levels of intensity and frequency. Part of joyful living and creating great relationships, involves being with all of our feelings rather than trying to push, deny, numb, or be swallowed by them.
10. I built my village
It takes a village to raise a child. The research on this is solid: individuals with a strong support system are happier and healthier than those who isolate. If you are raising kids in isolation, get in therapy and make an effort to reach out to others. Over time I have made it a point to connect with others. I find a lot of satisfaction in volunteering or attending learning events with others. Getting involved in a community (virtual or live) provides an important source for making friends and being a part of something meaningful.
