One Easy Way to Improve Your Relationship

The Zero Negativity Pledge: Strengthening Connection in Relationships

At the start of a new relationship, most couples naturally put their best selves forward. During the infatuation phase, everything feels exciting, effortless, and full of chemistry. Those happy brain chemicals have us buzzing in a state of bliss that can last for one to two years.

But eventually, real life sets in. Over time, a more sustainable and authentic way of being together emerges—complete with bad days, mood swings, and moments of frustration.

This is actually healthy and normal. After all, who doesn’t want a relationship where we can finally drop the pretense and just be real? Home should be the place where we feel safe to “tell it like it is,” right?

Well, that depends.

Why Many Couples Struggle During Conflict

Even in loving relationships, many couples struggle to access the basics—kindness, respect, care, and compassion—especially when feeling angry or hurt. This often happens because conflict activates our fight-or-flight response. When the autonomic nervous system kicks in, emotions take over and it becomes difficult to slow down, listen, or stay connected.

One of the key goals of couples therapy is helping partners stay emotionally attuned—even during disagreements. Learning to explore emotions together and maintain connection through conflict can completely transform a relationship.

When the Therapist Becomes the Student

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’ve spent years helping couples navigate these same challenges. But I’m no stranger to them myself. I have a tendency to hold in small frustrations until they eventually spill out in a way that’s, well… not so graceful.

Having self-awareness about our challenge points is important, but that doesn’t mean we’re off the hook. Growth means committing to do better after every setback. We can all strive to show up as the highest version of ourselves—especially with the person we love most.

Our Turning Point: The “Zero Negativity Pledge”

Recently, my partner Jeff and I found ourselves in a rough patch—lots of bad days and heavy moods. That story deserves its own post, but what’s important here is that, in the middle of that tension, we decided to try something new: The Zero Negativity Pledge.

The idea came from my colleague, Joe Whitcomb, LMFT, who shared about a program called Safe Conversations. Intrigued, I visited the Relationships First website and discovered the “Zero Negativity Pledge.” Here’s how it goes:

“We understand that ‘negativity’ is any transaction that ruptures our connection – whether intentional or accidental.

We pledge to make our relationship a Zone of Zero Negativity for the next 30 days by omitting from all our interactions with each other any words, tones, or body language that could be experienced as a ‘put-down,’ thus rupturing our connection.

We will make requests when we have a problem and ask for what we want in a way that does not put our partner down.

If we experience a rupture, we will send a gentle signal (bing, ouch, wow, oops!) immediately to communicate that we have experienced a ‘put-down,’ and then use the repair process to restore safety and connection.

We pledge to give three appreciations daily to each other, no matter what.”

What Happened When We Tried the Pledge

In a casual way, Jeff and I decided to give it a whirl.

Once I committed to avoiding negative words, tones, or body language, I started noticing subtle ways I was creating disconnection—small, seemingly harmless moments that still carried impact.

Over time, our conversations became deeper and more meaningful. There was less small talk and more emotional honesty. I found myself pausing more often, leading with empathy, and speaking directly and respectfully instead of bottling things up.

I even began extending the pledge to how I interact with my kids—and noticed positive changes there, too.

Our 30 days are officially over, but I’ve chosen to continue the pledge indefinitely.

Try the Zero Negativity Pledge in Your Own Relationship

If you and your partner have been feeling disconnected, defensive, or stuck in cycles of negativity, the Zero Negativity Pledge can be a powerful reset. It’s a simple but transformative way to rebuild trust, improve communication, and deepen emotional connection.

You can learn more and take the pledge yourself here.

Final Thoughts

Healthy relationships aren’t about never fighting—they’re about learning how to stay connected even when you do.
When we commit to eliminating negativity, expressing appreciation, and communicating with empathy, we create a foundation for lasting love and growth.

Whether you’re newly dating or have been married for decades, a Zero Negativity Zone might be exactly what your relationship needs to thrive.