One Small Way To Improve Your Relationship Now

People often want to know, what is the one thing I can do to turn my marriage around? There are many way couples can create positive change within their relationship. Yet, if I had to share just one thing to STOP doing, it would be this: stop blaming your partner for the difficulties in your relationship. ​

I say this with immense care and respect. Blame is protective response. We all do it from time to time. Yet, the more we blame our partner for the difficulties we face in our marriage, the more unhappy and stuck we will remain.

Blaming is how we have coped

Most of us started blaming when we were kids. If you are a parent, you have probably seen your own kids blame their sibling, a friend, or something else upon making a mistakes.

Even adults want to avoid facing their mistakes. So, from time to time we might blame our partner to protect ourselves.

Blame protects us from feeling the uncomfortableness that comes from knowing we have hurt or upset our partner.

But is also stops us from having the kind of relationships and life we want.

And unfortunately, blame can keep is stuck in a state of powerlessness. Because if I am convinced that the problems we face in the relationship is my partner’s fault, I will never even see all the ways I have contributed to the breakdown in the marriage, nor will I have to face the fact that I have work to do, in order to make things better.

Excuses are the gateway to blame

Excuses sound like this,

I snapped at you because I was stressed out with the kids.
I am late again because I got held up at work and hit traffic on the way home.

Or this,

I make jabs my husband because he is not emotionally available.
I am angry and critical because my wife does not want to have sex.

Excuses stop us from having to acknowledge and do something about all the ways that we have become complacent, unorganized, controlling, boundary-less, demanding, perfectionistic, undisciplined, timid, passive, superior, condescending, or rescuing.

It is hard to face these kinds of truths. Many of us will do almost anything to avoid seeing all the big ways and small ways we skirt empowered relationships.

Yet, knowing the ways we contribute to the difficulties in our relationship, and all the ways we fail to take action to improve the situation, is the perfect starting point for turning around a failing marriage.

Yet it is possible to start letting go of blame now by moving through the four step process below.

1. Look at the mistakes you are making in your marriage without judgement of self.

The Carl Rogers quote, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change" reminds us that transformation can begin from seeing with precision and acceptance exactly how we are, flaws, shortcomings, and all.

We cannot change what we don't see.

Consider how you talk to your spouse, the words you use, your body language, tone of voice, how you spend your free time, your loyalty, honesty, your emotional availability, your physical availability, and how you speak about them when they are not around.

Often when we are not content in our relationship we point the finger at everyone and everything around us, instead of looking within and at the choices we make on moment to moment basis. It may help to take a wide lens look beyond your marriage and consider how you feel about your overall health, career, support system, environment, and friendships. Check in to see if other aspects of your life are influencing how you show up in your relationship.

2. Explore what is going well.

At the same time, don't forget to focus on what is going really well for you. Certainly there are some aspects of your relationship that are working well. Express through compliments what it is that you are grateful for. Go out of your way to extend appreciation to your spouse. If you journal, on a regular basis write down all the various aspects of your marriage and life that are flourishing. Acknowledge yourself for the ways you are an excellent partner.

3. Get clear on your vision.

What do you want your relationship to look like? Consider all of it. Allow yourself to see your relationship and day to day life working well, exactly as you want it to be. Spend time in this vision as much as you can. Although this may sound woo-woo, its not. Our brain does not know the difference between what is actually happening and what we imagine to be happening. So taking the time to imagine your best love and life possible on a regular basis actually changes the neural pathways in your brain making it more likely that you will begin to operate from this vision.

4. Do the work.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, and want to change it, it is time to take action. This means inner work, such as learning new ways to engage with your thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, and feelings. A great book to read that helps illustrate the empowerment that comes through knowing how to navigate our inner world is "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl.

It also might mean making changes in other areas of your life such as waking up earlier, teaching the kids to do chores, childcare support, making a career move, or starting an exercise plan.

Lastly, there are highly skilled couples therapists who specialize in helping couples create deeply satisfying relationships. We would be happy to help you and your partner improve your relationship right now.