What is “The Negative Cycle”?
In relationships, the negative cycle is a recurring pattern of interaction between partners, driven by reactive behaviors that are fueled by unmet attachment needs. When couples are in the cycle, on the surface, we typically see one partner disengaging, turning emotions off, defending, or pulling away. We see the other partner pursuing engagement, expressing high emotion, criticizing, and demanding.
The cycle arises when attachment fears, that center around our longings for connection, acceptance, closeness, intimacy, safety and security, are triggered. Each partner’s way of coping with their attachment fears sends them into an avoidant withdraw or an anxious pursuit. The more one partner withdraws, the more the other pursues, the more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws. Over time, this become a viscous cycle that sucks out the connection and acceptance they both desire,
There can be other kinds of cycles too, such as when both withdraw or both pursue. Or, partners may alternate between pursuing and withdrawing. Yet the most common cycle I work with in my therapy practice is the classic withdraw/pursue cycle.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapists see the negative cycle as “the problem” in the relationship, rather than any one partner. If the cycle continues, without interruption, it will push partners against each other, and eventually, away from one another (which is when they typically end up in my office). This is why it is vital that couples understand their cycle as soon as possible and learn to work as a team to stop it and create a new positive cycle.
Understanding the Negative Cycle
It can help to understand what role you tend to take on in the cycle.
Pursuer: This partner typically prefers to process difficulties through conversations and tends to seek closeness by trying to engage the other. When their attachment needs go unmet, this kicks emotions up, which they outwardly express toward the other. They long for support, emotional engagement, love, and connection but can’t get through their partner. When in the cycle they can be critical and demanding, which stem from the discomfort of disconnection, but can be overwhelming for the other partner, leading their partner to withdraw even more. They mistakenly think that they can improve the relationship by demanding positive change. Yet the more they demand (or criticism, judge, poke, blame) the more their partner pulls away.
Withdrawer: This partner typically prefers to process difficulties on their own and may need solitude and space in order to do so. When attachment needs go unmet, this creates emotional distress, which they have learned to turn off and disengage from. They have a strong desire for autonomy, emotional safety, acceptance, and connection but keep these longings to themselves. When in the cycle they might become emotionally distant or unresponsive, leading their partner to pursue even more. They mistakenly think that they can protect their relationship by avoiding or using logic to “fix” rather than connect. Yet the more they withdraw (defend, stay logical, refuse to talk, or walk away) the more their partner pursues.
Each partner's actions, trigger the other, that reinforce and intensify the cycle, making it hard to interrupt. It is important to keep in mind that neither role is “good”, “bad”, “right”, or “wrong” - they are simply ineffective and creating more distance and discord, when what you want, is more closeness and peace. Your tendency to pursue or withdraw was likely developed in childhood, in response to the way you were parented, and has been reinforced in various relationships over many years. If you and your partner want to engage in cycle work, it is critical that you approach this discovery, and accompanying conversations, through the lens of compassion and understanding and without judgement, criticism, or blame.
Steps to Stop the Negative Cycle
The best way to stop the cycle is for partners to work together to stop the cycle. This typically involves making a clear and explicit agreement to cultivate awareness, vulnerability, and actively work as a team to create a new pattern of interaction.
Here’s how to begin taming the cycle:
Recognize the Cycle: The first step is noticing the cycle itself. This requires being able to discuss and notice how each partner’s behaviors and reactions influence the other. Becoming aware of this cycle allows partners to see that the issue is not with each other but with how they react, cope, or try protect themselves (or the relationship) during moments of distress and disconnection.
Identify Deeper Emotions: Beneath the observable emotions such as anger or frustration, there are usually deeper, more vulnerable emotions—like fear, sadness, or hurt. Recognizing and sharing the deeper emotions helps partners understand each other on a more empathetic level. For example, the pursuer’s anger may mask a deep fear of being abandoned, while the withdrawer’s avoidance might evolve from feeling rejected or not good enough. The deeper emotions may stem all the way back to painful experiences from childhood.
Share Vulnerably and Clearly: Once these primary emotions are understood, couples can begin to share them directly and compassionately with each other. This can be challenging but it helps to build trust and bonding. Expressing vulnerable emotions can sound like, "I pull away because I am overwhelmed and don’t know what else to do," or "I get so frustrated because I am scared things won’t get better as I am unsure how to help us feel close again”.
Create a New Positive Cycle: Rather than immediately reacting when you are triggered try slowing yourself down. Pay attention to what is happening in your body so you notice early warning signs of the cycle brewing. Remember that your partner needs love and emotional safety, in the same way that you need love and emotional safety. Small steps, like taking deep breaths, listening instead of defending, reflecting back partners words and feelings, pausing instead of saying something hurtful, and offering reassurance, can gradually replace the cycle with a positive one. It can help if you and your partner talk about what a positive cycle could entail during times of connection.
Commit to Change Together: Although one person can stop the cycle, it is ideal for you and your partner to put forth joint effort, grace and patience. Agree to support each other in moments of stress, and seek help if needed. Couples therapy can provide a facilitated space to understand and transform your cycle. Your therapist will serve as a guide to assist you in building a secure, resilient connection.
If you want help stopping the negative cycle, our couples therapists are passionate about guiding couples to create the best relationship they can. Understanding the cycle, is often foundational aspect of therapy.
