Five ways to improve your relationship now

People in unhappy marriages often blame their partner for the relationship problems they are facing. The tendency to blame others is due, in part, to the fundamental attribution error—a common cognitive bias in which people attribute others' poor behavior to character flaws or personality traits while attributing their own poor behavior to situational factors.

For example, if your spouse snaps at and criticizes you, you may conclude that they are “an angry person.” Or, if your partner pulls away from you, you may see them as “emotionally unavailable.”

Yet, if you snap at and criticize your partner, you may give yourself grace and attribute your behavior to stress, poor sleep, or unmet needs in the relationship. Or, if you pull away and avoid your partner, you may see it as a struggle to balance your marriage with work, parenting, and self-care.

Here are some more examples of the fundamental attribution error:

• Your husband did not do the dishes last night, even though he said he would. You conclude that he is self-absorbed. Yet, when you don’t do the dishes after saying you would, you explain that your son was sick and you planned to do them in the morning.

• Your wife pulls away when you initiate sex. You conclude that she is frigid and “not sexual”. Yet, when you pull away when your wife initiates sex, you give yourself grace because you have been feeling emotionally disconnected and stressed from work.

When partners engage in these cognitive biases repeatedly over time, each person begins to see themselves in a more positive, balanced light while simultaneously devaluing their partner’s character or personality. The fundamental attribution error can lead to learned helplessness, where each partner gives up, believing they have no way to create a better relationship because, simply put, they see their partner as fundamentally flawed or as possessing signficant character defects that cannot be changed.

Don’t let the fundamental attribution error ruin your relationship!

Here are five ways to transform this cognitive bias and start creating a better relationship today.

Let’s take an example from above: Suppose your partner just snapped at and criticized you. Instead of seeing them in a negative light and assuming that a character flaw or personality trait is driving their behavior, try doing the following:

1. Pause and Consider Situational Factors

Ask yourself, “What might be going on with my spouse that is contributing to their behavior?” Take a holistic, wide-lens view and consider situational factors such as sleep, stress, work, family dynamics, friendships, health, or even your own behaviors. Would you really have married an angry, selfish, emotionally unavailable, narcissist? It is possible, yet Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) affects between 0.5% and 1% of the general population, making it unlikely).The story you’ve been telling yourself is simply a cognitive error that needs to be let go of.

2. Get Curious

If you notice yourself labeling or judging your partner—stop. Then, with compassion for both yourself and them, consider what they may be experiencing emotionally. Try saying something like, “Hey, something must be going on for you right now, and I just want you to know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”

3. Self-Reflect

Ask yourself, “How might I be contributing to this dynamic?” Look at your own behavior and interactions in the relationship. Have you been showing up as your best self? Consider how your actions might be influencing your partner’s behavior.

4. Self-Agency

Agency is the sense that you have autonomy and influence over your own behavior and the course of your life. To have agency means taking responsibility for creating the kind of relationship you want. Blaming your partner and concluding that nothing can be done due to their character flaws robs you of the ability to take action and create change.

5. Be a Team

In relationships, both people generally contribute to the challenges they face. Shift from a mindset of “My partner is the problem” to “I want to work with my partner as a team so we can create the best relationship possible.”

These small mindset shifts can take you and your partner one step closer to more love, joy, and intimacy.