What to Do if Your Spouse Won’t Go to Couples Therapy
Struggling in your marriage but your spouse won’t go to counseling or talk about problems? Learn practical steps you can take on your own to improve your relationship and inspire change.
When You Want to Work on Your Marriage—But Your Spouse Doesn’t
Few things feel more discouraging than wanting to fix your marriage while your partner refuses to engage. You may have suggested counseling, only to hear “no.” You might try to talk through issues, but the conversation turns into a fight… or worse, silence.
So what do you do when your spouse won’t work on the marriage?
The truth is, while the ideal situation is two partners working together, change doesn’t always have to start with both people at once. Even if your spouse isn’t ready, there are powerful ways you can begin shifting your relationship dynamic and creating the possibility for healing.
Here’s how.
1. Replace Blame with Empathy
Blame feels natural when you’re hurting, but it’s also one of the biggest barriers to growth. Instead of pointing fingers, pause and ask:
What might my spouse be feeling right now?
Is he struggling with stress, fear, or disappointment too?
How can I be curious instead of critical?
Empathy doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior. It means building understanding, which opens the door to deeper connection.
2. Reignite Your Passion and Purpose
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” – John Anster
Healthy marriages depend on healthy individuals. If you’ve lost touch with what makes you feel alive, it’s time to reconnect with your passions.
Consider:
Exercising or trying a new class
Exploring creative outlets like art, writing, or music
Reconnecting with supportive friendships
Setting new personal or career goals
Many people only rediscover themselves after a breakup. But you don’t have to wait for a crisis—you can start living a more fulfilled, purposeful life now. And when you feel alive, you bring that energy back into your relationship.
3. Show Up as the Best Version of Yourself
Negativity can spiral quickly in a marriage—coldness, sarcasm, or constant bickering can become the default. But cycles can be broken.
Even if your spouse isn’t making changes yet, you can:
Replace criticism with kindness
Choose warmth over withdrawal
Introduce humor, playfulness, and affection
Practice vulnerability instead of shutting down
It often only takes one person to begin shifting the tone of the relationship. By showing up as your best self, you create space for new possibilities.
4. Take Bold Action
When things feel rocky, it’s tempting to stew, vent to friends, or hope the problems will resolve on their own. Unfortunately, inaction can be the most dangerous choice.
Instead, take proactive steps:
Book a session with a therapist (even if you go alone at first).
Plan a thoughtful date night.
Organize a weekend getaway.
Recommit to your personal growth (see #2 above).
I’ve worked with couples where one partner took the lead—buying tickets to a workshop, arranging childcare, and gently nudging their spouse to attend. More often than not, those bold steps opened the door to healing and deeper intimacy.
Research shows the average couple waits seven years before seeking help with marital issues. By then, one or both may already be checked out.
Final Thoughts: You Can Lead the Way
Struggles are a natural part of any long-term relationship. What matters is whether you let them fester, or take steps to create change.
Even if your spouse isn’t ready to work on the marriage right now, your actions still matter. By choosing empathy, reigniting your purpose, showing up as your best self, and taking action, you can begin transforming the relationship dynamic.
And sometimes, one person’s courage to lead is all it takes to inspire the other to follow.
You can turn things around. Lead the way.
