What should I do if my spouse won’t go to couples therapy?

What do you do if you want to go to couples therapy and your spouse does not want to go? This is a very hard spot to be in. You might feel hopeless and stuck. Although I recommend couples therapy for distressed relationships, I want to give you reassurance that change is still possible. Keep reading to learn more.

Get curious

As tempting as it may be, do not judge, criticize, blame or attack your spouse on this issue. You will have more influence if you remain open and curious about where they are at. It is possible they had a poor experience in therapy in the past. Or perhaps the lingering stigma surrounding therapy is playing a role in their reluctance. Or it could be hard for them to acknowledge that your relationship problems have escalated to the point of needing help. If you engage in a thoughtful conversation on this issue you may learn more about your partner and be more likely to get their authentic buy in.

Request a small step forward

If they are not keen on the idea of couples therapy, ask if they would be willing to commit to one session to give it a try. You can offer to find the therapist, set up the appointment, pay, and make it easy on them to attend. Some people are surprised at how much they end up liking the process. Many folks are surprised to find that they feel relief and hope upon addressing their issues. If you and your spouse decide to continue after the first session, it helps to agree to a minimum number of appointments together, such as 8 weekly sessions. After the eight weeks you can re-assess. Keep in mind that most couples can expect to attend weekly appointments for at least three months and some attend therapy on and off for years depending on their history and goals.

Honor their boundaries

If they are adamant they do not want to go, I encourage you to honor their boundary like you would honor any other boundary. You have planted the seed and they may be open to attending couples therapy in the future. In the meantime, you can get to work on improving your relationship.

Measure the stakes

Ask yourself how important getting help for your relationship is at this particular time. Are things good for the most part? Or, are you quickly heading toward divorce or break up? If your relationship is in crisis you may need higher levels of support.

Go to therapy on your own

You can see a couples therapist on your own. If your goal is to stay in your relationship and improve your relationship it can help to begin therapy with a couples therapist (not all couples therapists will do this). I am biased toward EFT trained couples therapist yet there are many other wonderful therapy models and approaches. The key will be to find someone that specializes in couples therapy.

Stay open minded and flexible

Do not conclude that your partner does not love and value you and the relationship. Couples therapy is not for everyone. Or, your partner may not be ready yet (the pain of not changing is not painful enough). Because your partner declines today does not mean they will decline next month or years from now.

Explore alternatives to relationship growth

See if they are interested in working on the relationship in a different fashion. Maybe they would agree to read a book or go through a workbook together. Maybe they would attend a couples workshop or retreat. Perhaps they will listen to some podcasts. It can help to ask your partner if they are open to receiving books, articles or podcast links rather than just spamming them.

Work on yourself

Deepen your love and compassion toward yourself. Amp up your self care and activities that bring about wellbeing such as exercise, cooking, gardening, journaling, dancing, yoga, mediation, breath work and mindfulness. Spend time with friends that are loving and connected. Explore your boundaries, assertiveness and communication skills. Examine how you process and express emotions and how this impacts your relationship. Start a new hobby. Go on a weekend getaway with friends. Watch your intake of addictive substances (caffeine, alcohol, porn, etc).

Show up

Show up as your highest self in the relationship regardless of what your partner says or does (this is far easier said than done). Practice pausing when things get heated. Send clear and direct messages. Learn to feel and process your emotions. Ask for what you need and want without lashing out or shutting down. Be intentional about connecting with your partner. Plan dates and activities. Have fun seeing if you can make this a great relationship (without pressuring your partner to change at this time). Bring back the spark.

Own your part

Look at the things you say and do that hurt the relationship. Work on this.

Be cautious about an ultimatum

Some people draw a hard line, such as if you do not go to couples therapy then____. This is risky. We can influence people but we cannot make anyone do anything and if we try to it tends to backfire. This being said, being assertive and clearly expressing how important this is to you and your relationship can help move things along. This is particularly true if you are heading toward divorce. It is important to note that I am not suggesting anyone to be doormat in the same way that I would never suggest that someone be a bully. You and your spouse are the only people who can decide whether or not your relationship is working and whether or not you want to attend couples therapy.

Exceptions

One more important note- if your relationship is abusive what I have shared above does not apply. Please find yourself and individual therapist who can support you. We can help connect you with resources.

Is there anything else you would add to this list? Do you have any questions about this or disagree with any of my points?