Cultivating Kindness in Love

The Zero Negativity Pledge

At the start of a new relationship, most couples naturally put their best selves forward. During the infatuation phase, everything feels exciting, effortless, and full of chemistry. Those happy brain chemicals have us buzzing in a state of bliss that can last for one to two years.

But eventually, real life sets in. Over time, a more sustainable and authentic way of being together emerges complete with bad days, misunderstandings, and moments of frustration.

This is healthy and normal. Who doesn’t want a relationship where we can drop the pretense and just be real? Home should be the place where we can relax and let it all hang out, right?

Well, that depends.

Why Many Couples Struggle During Conflict

Even in loving relationships, many couples struggle to access the basics, such as kindness, dignity, care, and compassion, especially when feeling angry or hurt. This happens because conflict activates our fight-or-flight response. When the autonomic nervous system kicks in, emotions take over, and we can lose access to empathy and perspective taking. We may become inflexible and focused on protecting and defending ourself. It becomes difficult to slow down, listen, or stay connected.

One of the key goals of couples therapy is helping partners co-regulate (i.e. help each other keep their cool) even during disagreements. Learning how to maintain mutual kindness, even when emotions run hot or when talking through conflict, can completely transform a relationship.

When the Therapist Becomes the Student

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have dedicated my career to helping couples overcome relationship challenges. I live by the concepts I teach in my own relationship and family. Yet, I too have times in which my emotions sweep me away, and I say or do something that creates distance in my relationship.

Having self-awareness and insight of our strengths and shortcomings is vital, and an important first step toward growth. But we cannot stop there. Growth means committing to repair and choosing to show up in a new way that creates more connection and wellbeing. We can all strive to be highest version of ourselves, especially with the person we love most.

The “Zero Negativity Pledge”

Many years ago, my partner Jeff and I found ourselves in a rough patch with bad days and heavy moods. That story deserves its own post, but what’s important here is that, in the middle of that tension, we decided to try something different: The Zero Negativity Pledge.

The idea came The Zero Negativity Guide for Couples developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Here’s how it goes:

“We understand that “negativity” is any transaction that ruptures our connection, whether intentional or accidental.

We pledge to make our relationship a Zone of Zero Negativity for 30 days. To that end we pledge to avoid any transactions that could be experienced as a “put-down,” thus rupturing our connection.

If we have a frustration, we will change it into a request and ask for what we want without criticism.

If we experience a rupture, we will send a gentle signal to communicate that we have experienced a “put-down,” and then begin repairing the rupture.

We pledge to gift each other with three appreciations each day, no matter what!”

What Happened When We Tried the Pledge

In a casual way, Jeff and I decided to give it a whirl. Once I committed to not using words, tones, and body language that could be experienced as a put-down, I started noticing the small and subtle ways I had been creating disconnection.

Over time, our conversations became more meaningful. There was less small talk and more emotional honesty. I found myself pausing more often, leading with empathy, and speaking directly and with dignity. The kinder I was, the kinder he was, and vice versa. We started repairing easily and often. I extended the pledge to how I interact with my kids, and noticed positive changes there, too.

Our 30 day pledge ended years ago, but I’ve chosen to be intentional about the pledge indefinitely.

Try the Zero Negativity Pledge in Your Own Relationship

If you and your partner have been feeling disconnected, defensive, or stuck in repeated negative cycles, the Zero Negativity Pledge can be a powerful reset. It’s a simple but transformative way to rebuild trust, improve communication, and deepen emotional connection.

You can learn more and take the pledge yourself here.

Final Thoughts

The pledge is not about being perfect. We all have times in which we fight, say or do something hurtful, or go through periods of tension. I still have my off-moments too.

Healthy relationships can flourish when both people commit to kindness, connection, love, repair, and clearly asking for what they want without criticism or blame. When we join with our partner to eliminate harshness, express appreciation, and communicate with empathy, we create a foundation for lasting love and growth.