How to Reignite Intimacy

A healthy sex life is seen as a cornerstone of a thriving relationship. If you are not having sex, or you rarely have sex, this can lead to frustration, disconnection, and resentment over time. It can also be a signal that something else is happening within the relationship, or within one or both individuals, that needs attention. If you are struggling to rekindle intimacy, there are practical steps you can take to reconnect with your spouse, which I will discuss in this article.

How Common Are Sexless Marriages?

Many couples quietly wonder if it is normal to stop having sex in a long-term marriage. The honest answer is that while sexual frequency often decreases for many couples over time, most married couples do not stop having sex altogether. National U.S. survey data shows that the majority of married adults continue to have sex, with around 60% reporting weekly sex. Only a small percentage, around 1 to 2%, report no sex at all in the past year.

What seems to be more common that sexless marriages, is a gradual change in desire, rhythm, and initiation, particularly during times of stress, parenting challenges, career demands, financial concerns, and health changes. If the relationship is strained on top of this, sexual desire for both partners can be greatly impacted. For many couples, sex does not disappear entirely, rather, it stops feels mutual, connected, and easy.

I can tell you this, in my work as a couples therapist, anecdotal evidence suggests that many married couples are satisfied with the frequency of sex but they yearn for a something more. I propose that what many couples yearn for is to experience pleasure, connection, passion and emotional intimacy with their partner, that comes alive during sex.

How to Rekindle Intimacy

Although some couples have sexual concerns that need to be addressed by a sex therapist, and others have relationship challenges that need to be addressed in couples therapy, many people can create a more fulfilling sex life with some small shifts and intention.

Stop Pressuring

If you pressure your partner to have sex, or become critical or cold when they are not interested in sex, you will push them away even more. I encourage you to stop expecting or demanding sex but do not give up. Instead of pressure, put your focus on connecting with your partner. Show up with warmth and affection. Demonstrate that you truly cherish and delight in your partner. Do this because they matter to you; not because you just want to have sex.

Clarify What You Really Want

During orgasm we can experience a sense of euphoria and relaxation brought on by mix of endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, prolactin. I understand that you want sex because it feels really good. Yet, for many people I talk to, their desire for sex is deeper than this. For many, sex is when they feel the most bonded to the person they love. Tuning into your deeper needs will help you show up differently than if you “just want sex”.

Build Security Before Spicing Things Up

When a couple has a secure bond, they are more likely to be sexually adventurous and exploratory. If you want to bring novelty into your relationship before the security has been built, it may backfire. Yet if you are confident that you and your partner have a strong foundation, many couples enjoy sharing fantasies, role plays, toys, kink or find playful and sensual ways to deepen their erotic experience.

Be Vulnerable

Emotional sharing is a vital aspect of creating an intimate bond. Bring up sex with your partner during a time when you are both relaxed and generally connected. The purpose of the conversation is to explore what you both desire, what you fear, and what gets in the way. If you notice that every time you talk about sex this leads to a fight, consider couples therapy.

Practice Active Listening

Sometimes your partner doesn’t want solutions, fixing, or advice. They want to feel heard. Listen to your partner without interrupting or trying to problem solve. Do this a lot!

Flirt and Talk Like You Used To

When you first met, you probably gave your partner a lot of attention. You likely asked questions, made eye contact, and smiled. You were probably engaged and curious. You wanted to get to know them. You also probably shared stories from your life so they got to know you. If you have been married for 5, 10, or 30 years you may think your partner knows everything about you.

Massage and Touch

If your partner is open to touch, start focusing on affection. Hold hands, hug, snuggle, and spoon. Give your partner non-sexual massages. Offer shoulder rubs, foot massages on the couch, or unclothed full body massages. The point is to help them relax, feel nurtured and receive. It is very important that you do this without an expectation of sex.

Share Responsibilities

Step it up with parenting, chores, and errands, particulalry if you are not doing your equal share. I cannot tell you how many couples I work with in which both partners work full time but one partner does the majority of parenting and household duties. This is an easy way to help your partner feel more supported and bring more balance to the relationship.

When To See Your Doctor or Therapist

Some couples are doing most of what I suggest here, and feel emotionally close and secure, yet their sexual connection has quietly faded. If that sounds familiar, it can help to explore what else might be contributing. Changes in hormones, side effects from medications, past sexual trauma, chronic health conditions, pain during sex, erectile difficulties, or premature ejaculation can all impact desire and responsiveness. Concerns like these usually do not shift simply by connecting with your partner more. Reaching out to a doctor, naturopath, or a trauma or sex therapist can help you understand what is happening and guide you toward solutions.

For some couples, there has been a build up of arguments, tension, and resentment over time. There may been betrayal in the past or painful moments in the relationship that need to be processed and healed so a new way of interacting can arise. If your most of the time you spend with your partner tends to be disconnected, cold, or conflictual, I recommend couples therapy. You will likely need to rebuild the emotional bond, while rebuilding your sexual relationship bond, with the guidance of a professional.

Final Thoughts

Struggling with mismatched sexual desire does not mean your relationship is doomed. With a holistic perspective and a focus on emotional connection and small acts of partnership and intimacy, you can rekindle a sex life that feels exciting, secure, and deeply fulfilling.

Important Note

This article is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not create a therapist–client relationship. The guidance shared here is written for couples in fundamentally safe relationships. If you are experiencing abuse of any kind — psychological, physical, sexual, or financial — this material does not apply. Please seek support as soon as possible from an individual therapist, a domestic violence advocate, or a trusted professional in your area. Couples therapy is not appropriate when abuse is present and can unintentionally increase risk.

References

Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989–2014. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2389–2401. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0953-1

Ueda, P., Mercer, C. H., Ghaznavi, C., & Herbenick, D. (2020). Trends in frequency of sexual activity and number of sexual partners among adults aged 18 to 44 years in the U.S., 2000–2018. JAMA Network Open, 3(6), e203833. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2020.3833